James Bond, age unknown, self-styled international super spy, was found dead in his London apartment today, a woman's spike heeled shoe driven into his skull. He had also been strangled with a silk stocking.
A bushel of anonymous Father's Day cards had been dumped over his naked body.
In declining health, Bond had suffered the ravages of several sexually transmitted diseases, in addition to liver disease and lung cancer.
Bond was due to appear in court next Wednesday for a preliminary hearing regarding several hundred thousand dollars worth of traffic fines. Licensed to kill, he was no longer licensed to drive, after one too many reckless pursuits.
He is survived by an undetermined number of children.
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